Monday, May 29, 2017

Healing from PMADs

First off I have to thank everyone who read my previous post about my journey out of darkness. It has been read many times and I genuinely hope that I have encouraged or helped someone. The kind words that I have received and the sharing of stories has encouraged me. So thank you dear readers. 

I have been thinking about a new blog post for a while now. Its harder than I thought it would be. Do I write about my life as a stay at home mother? Or do I just write about something menial that may very well bore you to death? To be honest I really don't know what to write about but I'll try not to bore you all.

I've had to adjust to being a stay at home mom and honestly I'm still adjusting. I went very quickly from being a stay at home mom to a deeply depressed and anxious person. I left my job in December of 2014 and was pregnant by the end of February (I just didn't know it). There are many days I miss my job at the mental health hospital but at the same time I am very thankful that I am home every day with my girls.

I have come to realize that the further I get from Addy's birth the stronger I feel. I think part of that is because I have met some pretty awesome women. Women who have helped me to get out of my comfort zone. I find myself cancelling plans less and instead I'm trying new things. Because of them, I am becoming more outgoing. I am still not quite to the point where I will come up and introduce myself but I feel like I am getting to there. I think it is incredibly important for anyone that is going through a PMAD (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder) to find a local support group or a local exercise group. Both of these groups have helped me so very much.

I am also taking steps towards being a healthier me. I have stopped drinking sodas, I'm limiting my sugar intake, and I am eating better. I realized the other day I haven't had a frappe in like 3 weeks. I use to have like 3 frappes a week (I know eeek). Looking back I think food esp. frappes were my way of dealing with my anxiety. And you know what I really don't miss them. I haven't given up sugar completely but I am trying. I joined our local Fit4Mom stroller strides group and I am loving it.

I also went to a counselor. Through my sessions I began to learn more about myself. I learned about my obsessions and compulsions. I learned about my anxiety and how its been a part of my life since I was a young girl. I am beginning to develop coping skills and ways to combat my OCD. It is hard and the compulsions pull at me everyday. I am becoming more confident as a mother and as a person. I find that counseling has benefited me in a way I never thought possible. If you've ever even considered it, give it a go.

I look back and I am able to see how far I have come this year. I have gone from someone who froze whenever I had to go to the grocery store with both girls in tow to someone who is beginning to enjoy getting out and doing things with the girls. This journey has made me stronger and a better mother. There were many times I wondered why God gave us Addy when he did; but I can look now and see that God knew what he was doing. Though the experience of what I went through wasn't pleasant it has taught me some important lessons and has awaken a passion in me.

Thank you again for all your support.
I'm a social worker, a mom, but most of all I'm a Christian.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

A Year Ago

A year ago I attempted to start writing again. A year ago I failed. Maybe it's because life was still a little crazy. Maybe it's because a year ago I fell into darkness. Or maybe it's because a year ago I realized I needed help. If you're confused, that is okay. Let me start from the very beginning.

On March 11, 2015, after suffering some strange sensations for a few days (possibly weeks), I decided to take a pregnancy test. Well as you might remember from one of my previous post (or if you know me personally) I did turn out to be pregnant with our second beautiful daughter. It was not our plan but it was God's plan.

The excitement of having a new baby lasted about a week to a week and a half (I was about 6 weeks pregnant when I found out). I do not remember a lot of my pregnancy with our youngest but I do remember bits and pieces of it. What I am about to share with you has only been shared with a few and only within the last few weeks. Please understand that I am okay now. In fact, the reason I am finally able to share this is that I am in a much better place than I was a year ago. I apologize this is a little long but I feel like its important that you see the whole picture. I hope you stay with me until the end.

Although I don't remember much of my pregnancy one emotion I do remember feeling was hate. I hated being pregnant with our second daughter. I hated everything about the first few months of pregnancy. There was nothing about being pregnant that I enjoyed. And on top of all that I hated feeling that way because I realize how lucky I was to be pregnant.

So from about 8 weeks pregnant until about 16/17 weeks pregnant all I wanted was to not be pregnant. And I don't mean that in the I don't like being sick way, I mean in the I don't want this baby at all way. For 8 weeks, I spent a lot of hours on our living room couch. I don't really remember if I cooked, cleaned, showered, did laundry, or got out much. All I remember was feeling sad, hopeless, worthless, guilty, anxious, and incredibly exhausted. But just when I felt like I had had enough I would have a good day. Like the day that I got to see baby at about 12 weeks. Or the day that I got to see my best friend try on her wedding dress. It was those little moments that kept me from really losing it. I am very thankful for those days.

The summer of 2015 was a little better. We replaced our air conditioner which significantly cooled our house down as well as my hatred towards pregnancy. But the summer also brought a new although less intense emotion. It brought fear.

At 20 weeks, we got to do the full body scan. It was the first time I remember feeling truly excited about the pregnancy. But when our doctor told us that our daughter had a choroid plexus cyst on her brain and that I had partial placental previa, I was afraid. Looking back these were the very reasons why I went from hating my daughter to loving her. Choroid plexus cyst (CPCs) have a very weak association with fetal chromosomal anomalies and are usually gone by 32 weeks. My partial placental previa also was likely to resolve by 28 weeks. However, at 20 weeks pregnant when my doctor shared all this information with us, I was scared because I didn't know the outcome. So for the next 8 weeks I was terrified for my unborn child. I went from wanting her gone to wanting her to be alright. Thankfully at my 28 week check up the ultrasound showed all things to have cleared. I remember feeling so elated.

The remainder of my pregnancy was a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I was so excited about being pregnant; and some days I was anything but happy. I was still having moments where I just wanted her gone. And other days I was calling my mother crying because I felt such guilt over being pregnant during my daughter's second year of life. I definitely had whiplash during those last few months. In the end, my pregnancy with our youngest daughter was one of the hardest things I have ever experience. The second hardest was what followed closely after her birth.

I had a lot of anxiety after the birth of our youngest daughter. I was very afraid to get out and about with both girls in tow. I was especially anxious at night. Our new baby spent the first 6 months of her life in our room because I was terrified she would stop breathing or that someone would steal her away. I also had a lot of anxiety over cleaning and chores. If I did the housecleaning, I would get so lost in what I was doing that I would ignore the girls. Other times I would freeze up because of the mountain of things that needed to be done.

During all of this, I denied that I was experiencing any form of postpartum depression, anxiety or OCD. I mean this should not happen to me. I should be able to cope through all of this because I'm a social worker who has worked in a mental health facility. This couldn't happen to me. I denied that there was something wrong. But I was also embarrassed.

But that changed when I found myself one day, during naptime, throwing my daughters books into her crib with her in it. It is one of those moments that I will never forget. After I put all the books back on her shelf, made sure she was safe, and closed the door, I remember collapsing on our kitchen floor in tears. I immediately called David and asked him to come home. I then immediately called my primary care physician and asked if she could see me. Within the week, I was seeing my primary, a therapist, and talking to my mom to let her know what had been going on.

I went to therapy over the summer of 2016 and learned a lot about myself. I grew as a person and as a mother. I finished the BBM challenge and then joined our local Stroller Strides club a few months later. I've actually broken out of my shell a little and gotten to know some pretty fantastic people. My tribe has helped me out so much these last few months. I can finally talk about the last two years. I don't feel as afraid as I once did. I am beginning to enjoy being a mother again. And I am very thankful to my amazing husband for sticking by me through everything. He has been my rock.

So a year ago I fell into darkness. But now I've climbed out of that darkness. I decided to put this all down on "paper" because I wanted to share my story. Maybe my story will help someone just like a friends essay on depression helped me even if she doesn't know it (Thank you). And in June I am going to take a walk with some pretty awesome women to celebrate our Climb out of Darkness.